[Silence.]
Did you have fun?
[Silence.]
Like Jason Bourne, I don’t remember signing up. I just know that one day in September I started going to preschool.
Preschool was just a cover. It was really special ops.
Now I know some people feel that the first rule of preschool is you don’t talk about preschool. My parents don’t know what I’m doing all morning, and my developing language skills, active imagination, and loose grasp of time all conspire to keep it that way. But writing isn’t talking, and Mama hasn’t actually told me no yet, so here’s the scoop.
My first handler was a nice woman named Ms. P. She got me through field training, showed me the weapons locker (yeah, I can handle non-pointy scissors now), and taught me a bunch of survival songs. Apparently if you ever get stuck on a stream, you just need to keep rowing the damn boat and singing at the top of your lungs and you’ll be fine.
There were eight other recruits on my team. We had been chosen for a variety of skills: two of us were good listeners, a few of us knew animal sounds, and there was one kid who could take off his own pants like it was easy. Me? I was the team’s cleaner.
Field training was mostly in an actual field, which must be why they call it that. We studied different sorts of plant material and insects, practiced digging holes with all sorts of tools, and learned how to run as a group. That’s not as easy as it sounds. You have to avoid tripping over your other team members, keep your shoes on, and yell a lot. Your team’s destination is wherever Charlie has wandered off to, so we had to learn tracking skills as well.
In the movies, covert operatives often have to be really quiet. But in training, they taught us that indoor voice is rarely the answer. When you meet dangerous animals like monkeys who are a little too curious and Zaxes who won’t change directions, you’d better holler out your words.
After about 7 weeks, I was ready for my first undercover mission: Halloween.
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